I've been trying to wrap my head around how I am feeling for a few days now and I'm really not having much sucess at it. I'm back to wanting to cry all the time and finding it difficult to switch off. Mr Miffy's back is no better, in fact if anything it's worse. He's being his usual infuriating self and refusing to ring the doctors himself so even though I shou,d be in school all day tomorrow I'll be having to find the time to ring and make an appointment for him. I know he's starting to struggle with the mental side of the constant pain but I really find his refusal to even make an appointment without my having to hold his hand very annoying. I know he's scared about what might happen but he's not the only one and I think he sometimes forgets that if the worse happens it's gonna be a pretty big thing for me not just for him. He's also wound me up this weekend cos while I was out doing his school thing on Saturday he sat the kids down explained the worst case senario to them so now Middle is not only worried about his Dad but thinks he's going to end up in a wheelchair. I hope the little chat made Mr Miffy feel better and was worth scaring his kids. I've had a talk with Middle today and hopefully he understands better what is going on and isn't as worried about worst case senarios. I kinda understand what Mr Miffy was trying to do but really as far as I'm concerned there was no need to get all dramatic about things till we know whether or not he even needs an operation.

I think as well I'm struggling just now cos last week I had to admit "out loud" (well via text) that I can't really leave Mr Miffy on his own with the kids for long. I'm even wondering whether leaving him while I go to the cinema this week is really a good plan though I think if I tried to explain to him why I wasn't going to go he get very upset. I'm most likely going to make sure eldest has nannie's telephone number so she can ring them as well as me if there is a problem. Hopefully with it being a lateish showing the kids will be tucked up in bed and he can just sleep on the sofa while I'm gone.

There's alot going on right now

and I've decided that I need somewhere to come and get it all out.

Normally when I blog I like to have pictures in my posts which kind of explains why I don't blog as often as I mean too. I'm too lazy to get up and sort pictures out on the desk top. Whilst I love and adore my i-pad I haven't yet got into the habbit of loading photos onto it and I definatly can't take a decent photo with it. This blog will probably be mostly photoless but as it's purely for me that isn't going matter.

Years ago I kept a diary. Not an appointments type one, though I just about manage to keep one of those these days but a record of the things I had been up to and how I was feeling. I think it kinda worked like thearapy for me. Then I met Mr Miffy and a kind of homemade thearapy ensued. It worked pretty well for a long time but a couple of years ago I began to miss my old diary's and the help they gave me in sorting out what I felt about stuff.

Life as a grown up is hard. I know they tell you that when you're a kid but who believes what an adult says when the're a teenager? I didn't. But it's true life is hard, damned hard and alot of the time it's more hard work than fun. Kids are easy it's the other stuff I don't like the stuff to do with getting all the household jobs done, cooking and cleaning are not high on my list of fun things to do. And money has to be the worst invention ever. For a while now we've been struggling to get by and to be honest I get bored of never being able to have even little things I want cos there's no money left this week. I want to be able to buy nice stuff for the kids lunches and I can't afford to and to be frank it pisses me off! And then I feel guilty because of course there are people far worse off than me. I can juggle things around, and do on a regular basis, so that we can all have treats and stuff that we want it's just that I'm greedy and selfish and I want to have my cake and eat it too!

And there are lots of other things going on right now that make my life more difficult than I would like it to be. And still however bad those things are there are still people who have it harder than I do. But this is going to be my place to moan and complain, my place where I can come and bitch about my really rather easy life and not feel guilty. Nt feel that bad that I'm being totally self absorbed and self obssessed and unreasonable and unthinking about others and all the other bad things that I try to avoid being in public. Hey sometimes I might even post about all the good things in my life, and there are lots of good things it's just that sometimes it hard to see the wood for the trees and the hard stuff swamps me and makes me forget just how lucky I am.

And I think that's what this new blog is, a place to get the hard stuff out in the open, to be able to accept it is there and that my feelings about it are valid. And then to deal with those feelings and move on and back to real life with a more positive and balanced outlook.

I hope that other more positive things will be explored here too but we'll just have to wait and see.